Thursday, April 26, 2012

It's Alive

"Igor, hand me the twisted metal fastener adjudicator."

"Yes, master."

The tool was placed in the Doctor's outstretched hand.

"Aren't you going to wear gloves, master?"

"Gloves? Why would I wear gloves?"

"The procedure, master. It is a delicate one."

"Delicate? Of course it's delicate you flea-brained twit! Gloves would only serve to hamper the exceptional sensitivity of my practiced fingertips."

Igor shrugged. "If you say so, master."

"I say so! Now quiet, while I open the patient."

A few deft movements of the Doctor's hands did the trick.

"Ah, we're inside. The magnification device, Igor."

Igor fit the contraption to the Doctor's head, then rotated the lens into place. The Doctor leaned forward.

"Ah, it is as I thought. The fourth rib on the right lateral line has snapped. It is unable to support the jolt of energy required for animation."

"Of course, master."

The Doctor eyed him askance, the lens making the sneering eye appear several times larger than normal.

"What do you know of such matters, Igor?"

"Nothing, master."

"Then stop your infernal chattering and hand me that coil of wire. Be quick about it, you worthless dung beetle, time is of the essence. If we don't finish this before the storm arrives...."

Igor handed over the wire. The Doctor took the spool.


"Well, master?"

"The heat probe. I need the heat probe, you mindless roach, or I'll have no way of attaching the wire.

Igor hastened to pass along the probe.

"Argh! Not the hot end first. Imbecile!"

"Sorry, master."

"Step back before you contaminate the patient with your oozing stupidity."

"Yes, master."

Some careful movements of the Doctor over the next several minutes saw the repair complete.

"Now, I will close this up and we are ready."

A rumbling from outdoors indicating the approach of a mighty storm.

"The storm, master."

"Yes, yes, I hear it, I'm not deaf. Quickly, Igor, connect the wires. Carefully, you ignorant buffoon, or you'll fracture the receptacle."

A great boom of thunder practically shook the windows.

"Now, Igor, throw the switch!"

A flash of light lit the night sky, followed by an incredible crash. The eye of the patient gleamed red. The Doctor threw up his hands in triumph.

"It's alive!"

- - - - -

Shaking the water from his umbrella, Martin reached for the door knob to his room. Given the sounds of the thunder outside he had reached the dorms in the nick of time. He opened the door.

"It's alive!"

Martin stared at the spectacle before him. Brad stood with his hands thrust at the ceiling, wearing his chemistry lab coat and cackling maniacally. A bike helmet with a large magnifying glass attached to the front with duct tape perched precariously on his head. Luke crouched near the floor, a pillow stuffed into his shirt over his left shoulder, his finger hovering near the power button on the Playstation. They turned to look at him. Martin blinked.

"Do I even want to know what the heck you two are doing?"

Luke managed to look sheepish. "The Playstation wasn't starting. Brad fixed it."

"It's alive!" Brad repeated shaking his hands for emphasis.

At that very moment the power went out.

"Correction," Luke said. "It WAS alive."

"Quick, Igor, plug the patient into the UPS! She will yet live!"

Martin sighed. "You two are such idiots."

He closed the door and headed back outside. He'd get wet, but at least he'd be safe from the lunacy of his roommates.


Jeff Hargett said...


My favorite line:
"Step back before you contaminate the patient with your oozing stupidity."

Christina said...

I liked it! I was amused by the various insulting names.

Todd said...

My college roommates would have done this without a second thought, insulting names and all. I miss those guys. :)